An excerpt from Girl Dinner by Charlie Domingo
An experimental essay that interrogates romantic love by analyzing popular media like movies and video games.
First published in Pandan Weekly in July 2024. Content warning: mentions of rape and sexual abuse, mentions of cannibalism.
From the author:
In the writing of “Girl Dinner,” I analyze and project myself and my idea of romance into different types of media—poetry, manga, social media threads, video games, and more. The hybridity of this piece, I hope, is its strength, since I aim to hide my true fears and aspirations about love in between my analysis of media. In the essay, I do not fully rely on concrete moments, but instead, the irrational what-ifs of romance.
1
Christopher Citro didn’t know that he would be writing two lines so emblematic of pure love that girls all over Tumblr and Twitter—sorry, I don’t care that it’s called X now—would gather around and cite them like a witch’s spell. Granted, it’s easy to disregard the other parts of Citro’s poem and disregard that it was ever his; how could a man write words as sweet as these: “I love you. I want us both to eat well.” And surely, the first time I encountered these lines, I read them in a woman’s voice. Not because I am one, though that does have a semblance of truth, but because there’s something inherently feminine about food and love, and how they can easily marry and marinate together in the organ where we feel it the most—the stomach.
“Butterflies in the stomach,” they say. “Too much heartache can cause indigestion.” “The closest way to someone’s heart is through their stomach.” They tell you these things, so that you can learn how to cook, how to get a mate, how to get them to stay, how to feed a child, et cetera ad infinitum. I used to limit myself from food, so that I could be loved. And there are times I realize no one can love me better than myself, so maybe I deserve a treat, for being so loyal I cannot leave this body? Like undulating see-saws, I see food and love can cause mayhem in tandem, due to how necessary they both are to sustain oneself. Eating sinigang on a rainy afternoon replenishes my strength and resolve, as much as words of affirmation do.
Citro understood this dynamic differently. He believes that love precedes food, because the former carries a greater force.
The persona of “Our Beautiful Life When It’s Filled With Shrieks” speaks of a lover, who reads left-wing news sites and simultaneously removes blackberries and other healthy foods off the grocery list in order to boycott their producers. Often such an action is perceived as a hassle or even selfish, especially since food is meant to be eaten with no complaints. “Just be grateful you have something to eat,” they say as they point to the takeout food from Burger King, which is on many students’ boycott lists nowadays. The persona of the poem does not adopt the mindset that their lover is being selfish. The love the persona has for their muse is the reason they put up with their lover’s constricted grocery list.
The persona also ruminates on the complicated life outside of their love—
“Other people subscribe to adventure cycling magazines and read about men who rode across Turkey in the late 1800s before anything was happening in the world. Before cantaloupes probably existed. When you could get an honest wage for an honest day’s blackberries.”
These ruminations culminate in a need for a love that is “like fierce mountain storms,” because mundaneity is yearned for, but never appreciated once it’s there. Two people, if they truly love each other, have to come to terms with the fact that it is not “romantic gestures > practicality” or its direct inverse. It is when “practicality = romantic gestures,” because realistically, who wouldn’t want romance in the form of Jolly Spaghetti when you’ve had a tiring day? It’s cheap, it’s a quick bite, and it’s the thought that counts.
Sometimes, we forget that that’s enough. Sometimes, small increments of love, despite being genuine, are taken for granted.
When I say women and girls have latched onto this poem and the comfort from life-fatigue it imparts, I mean to say that T. De Los Reyes, a Filipina writer and the archivist behind the website Read a Little Poetry, recently expressed gratitude for “Our Beautiful Life When It’s Filled With Shrieks.” Even De Los Reyes recognized the sanctity of Citro’s two lines and pasted them on the website’s preview of the poem.
Read a Little Poetry provides a comprehensive online catalog of poems, sifted into tags like “relationships,” or “food,” or “gratitude” that allow pieces about fatherly love and about romantic love to sit on top of each other.
C.G. Hanzlicek’s “Egg” is a poem whose persona prepares a scrambled egg for his daughter, who “emerged from the woman [he] loves.”
De Los Reyes interpreted that the emerged girl from the woman she loves is herself, “in all that she is.” In this way, she finds meanings extending outside the text. It’s what anyone does when witnessing art—injecting their own thoughts into it.
In the same way that when I encountered C.G. Hanzlicek’s and Christopher Citro’s poems, my first thought was: How cool would it be if I fast-forward to the start of my 30s and simply exist with a beloved? De Los Reyes’s comment on “Our Beautiful Life When It’s Filled With Shrieks” says it all:
“I like the life we make together. When you tell me to not let my blood sugar get too low, then whisper I’m stubborn under your breath when I said yes I’ll just finish this one.”
2
SEQ. 0200 - MEET HAKU “MH”
EXT. SPIRIT WORLD BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
HAKU, the dragon boy shapeshifter, holds a small CHERRY in his hand. He waves it in front of CHIHIRO. It is crucial she knows what it is.
Chihiro won’t stop yelping and pushing Haku away.
Chihiro looks down. Her arms are now TRANSLUCENT!
In this moment, Chihiro remembers what food did to her parents, who have transformed into fat, greedy pigs at the mercy of the spirit vendors. Chihiro doesn’t know that her pureness of heart—or perhaps, her childish picky eating habits—had kept her from sharing their fate.
Chihiro quiets down.
Haku finally slips the cherry past her lips. Her limbs solidify.
Haku opens his palm for Chihiro. Their hands touch delicately—almost palpable to any audience.
SEQ. 0245 - ONIGIRI IN GARDEN “OIG”
EXT. GARDEN OUTSIDE PIG PEN - MORNING
Chihiro and Haku are crouched down on the ground. Chihiro cries as Haku hands her a box of ONIGIRI.
Haku nods.
Yubaba, the witch and the owner of the bath house where Chihiro works, had renamed her “Sen,” and just now, she almost forgot who she was.
Haku, like her, had been spirited away. In this commonality, the two are bonded together. Love blooms because the two observe and learn from each other. It is not out of the coincidence of their commonality, but out of their attentive and genuine interactions.
Most Studio Ghibli films, especially Spirited Away (2001), see the relationship between a heroine and the main boy as a strong partnership. Hayao Miyazaki, the brain behind this film and other major films of Studio Ghibli, didn’t want Chihiro and his other female protagonists to be compared with the likes of earlier Disney princesses, whom he criticized for “letting love come to them.” Chihiro, as written by Miyazaki, should rarely turn to men to ensure her wishes are granted; she should rely on her own devices to propel her development forward. In turn, her development propels the story.
And perhaps that is her and Haku’s saving grace.
Chihiro waves goodbye to Haku and heads back with the other bath house servants.
She looks back, and in the sky, a flying dragon flies away.
She doesn’t know that the dragon is Haku, as they remain physically separated due to their line of work. Yubaba keeps Haku as her apprentice and forces him to commit crimes. The evidence of their sleazy business is all marooned at the TOP OF THE TOWER, away from Chihiro’s eyes as she slaves in the basement. What she can only do is support him from afar, not that he’d let her come any closer.
SEQ. 0401 - HEALING THE DRAGONBOY “HTD”
INT. BATH HOUSE BASEMENT - MORNING
Haku, in his DRAGON FORM, bleeds on the floor. His movement is erratic and wild.
In haste, Chihiro procures the MOSS BALL, previously given to her by a river guardian. Chihiro waves it in front of Haku, who roars and rejects it. Chihiro chews the moss ball and spits it out into her hand.
Chihiro feeds him the way he did to her in SEQ. 200 “MH,” albeit forcefully.
The two serve each other. Even in what Haku could possibly perceive as his worst, Chihiro recognizes him as human. Haku deserves to eat, because he is a human who deserves care and compassion.
Haku’s movements slow down. His dragon form dissipates and onlookers receive this message: love is a transformative agent. Chihiro, originally timid and spineless, asks the boiler man for directions to the WITCH OF THE WASTE, who had cursed Haku. Chihiro plans to confront this witch.
Having someone to look after has made her courageous. In response to another servant who wondered how Chihiro had grown in the span of only weeks—
SEQ. 0005 - OPEN-ENDED GOODBYE “OEG”
EXT. SPIRIT WORLD PLAINS - MORNING
Yubaba allows Chihiro to leave the spirit world.
Chihiro runs through the plains and traces her way back to the tunnel where she and her parents first entered. She is tempted to look back, but she wants, more than ever, for Haku to also be free of his burden. So, Chihiro persists forward.
Once Chihiro, along with her parents, return to the REAL WORLD, Chihiro finally looks back. Expectantly. Longingly.
Haku is nowhere to be seen.
Chihiro enters the car. They drive away from the tunnel, where Haku never surfaces.
3
Ten Little Mistresses (2023) | Directed by Jun Robles
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
Some men deserve to die painful deaths. I cannot contain even my own relief when the brothers, both played by John Arcilla, finally bit the dust at the hands of the ten—uh, eleven—women. It only took several pills, planted by the characters played by Cami Martin, Pokwang, and Agot Isidro, and an allergic reaction to cucumber, before the women were all liberated. Yes, the runtime was a bit too long for my liking, especially since the prime suspects had already been revealed midway through the film. But the twist at the end—oh my god!! The movie betrayed my pessimistic expectations.
I thought that it would end in the brothers’ forgiveness or an unsatisfactory plot twist where all the women end up fighting each other because one of them is pregnant. Or something. Then again, that’s my own inexposure to Philippine cinema talking. I can count on my hands the number of Filipino movies and teleseryes I’ve seen. Sure, I’ve watched May Bukas Pa (2009) and Agua Bendita (2010), both staples on 2010 prime-time television. Yes, I’ve gushed over Samantha Lee’s Billie and Emma (2018) and Sleep with Me (2022), as has any Filipina sapphic who scrolls through Twitter. (Just recently logged my thoughts on those ones btw.) My partner and I share a crush on David Licauco, who stars as Don Fidel in Maria Clara at Ibarra (2022). And recently, Cedrick Juan from GomBurZa (2023). (It’s finally on Netflix, haha!)
Still, I remain strangely pessimistic about Philippine cinema.
I gotta be honest with you, my three followers on Letterboxd. The reason I procrastinated watching the movie was because I didn’t have a lot of faith that Philippine cinema could ever showcase fictional cheating scandals in a tasteful or satisfying way.
Call me woke (and honestly, I bet you will), but I like it when there’s a dash of feminism in the stuff that I watch. A movie that has some level of feminist agenda is less likely to have a man on top at the conclusion. (Or climax, eme.)
It’s what I liked about Jennifer’s Body (2009). You’d think it’s all about ogling at Megan Fox, until she kills all the men as revenge for what has been done to her. It’s what I liked about Kill Bill: Volume 1 and Kill Bill: Volume 2. I certainly liked The Menu (2022) because Erin, played by Anya Taylor-Joy, got back at her lousy date without having to lift a finger. Up until I finished Ten Little Mistresses, I didn’t have a Pinoy equivalent to these expectation-setting films.
Now, I do! And I will gush about it. (To a Letterboxd account that I don’t promote to my friends because well, I’m inconsistent). The whole movie paints the picture of this country’s cheaters as mama’s boys and daddy-dependent daddies. It’s easy to habituate anxiety in romance when these are the men you see on TV. (I think that a hundred percent confidence in romance is unachievable, even if blessed with a trustworthy partner.) John Arcilla’s characters definitely showcased over-the-top toxic masculinity in all their movements and proclamations. It’s eerily similar to the nature of symbolic retributions in Dante Alighieri’s Inferno—(did you guys read that in high school, too?)—when his characters failed to digest multiple poisons. He force-fed his infidelity to the women, and now, he has flopped on the floor!
When it was revealed that the main killer was the character played by Eugene Domingo, who sought revenge for her fallen (girl)friend—the late wife of John Arcilla’s character—I found satisfaction and comfort. It’s great that films nowadays know how to punish their male losers. Unfortunately, these films still shake my confidence in real-world romance.
Rating: ★★★★☆
4
Don’t forget, this is what he did to Katy Perry back in 2012. And that’s apparently the least of his crimes!!
MEDIA ATTACHED: PART OF ME (2017) clip. (Video Description: Before one of Katy Perry’s concerts for her California Dreams Tour, she learned via text that her then-husband, Russell Brand, would be divorcing her. Two minutes of a woman’s grief, for all to see. Her manager says, “You either cancel the show or do your best.” To which she replies, “Start the time.” At the 2:57 minute mark, she sighs before forming a burdened smile. She’s ready.)
5
Problem Statement: Suppose that Laios, Marcille, Shuro, and Izutsumi all love Falin. However, four of them wish to know who loves Falin the most. Study the food diagram below:
Now, answer the following questions in two to three sentences:
1.) Consider that Falin, when she was still alive, was dating Shuro. Consider, as well, that Marcille revived together Falin’s digested body using forbidden Dark Arts. Consider Laios, who led the charge against the Red Dragon, to be Falin’s only family. Consider Izutsumi’s respect for Falin’s body; Izutsumi’s own body was cursed.
a. Who loves Falin the most? b. Who doesn’t care enough? *
2.) Is it moral for you to eat the monster that has eaten your beloved?
3.) Does any of this matter?
6
7
* Now, do you see why claiming the truth about my love is hard? Everyone has reasons why they show love the way that they do. If they are genuine with you, why would you accuse them of not caring, not trying their darn best?
8
TUTORIAL ENDS
Link dives into a pond in the middle of Hyrule Field.
The world opens up two choices.
Link heads to the north of Hyrule Field where Lookout Landing is located. People all over Hyrule have traveled to this fortified settlement in order to centralize the efforts in tracking down Princess Zelda and Link. Link, to their surprise, arrives without Princess Zelda or his trusted sword. Both of them were lost while looking for the source of Gloom, which happened to be emanating from the game’s resurrected villain.
Though Link has returned, the people of Lookout Landing are anxious about their princess’s solitude in a dangerous situation. Link tells them that she is alive; previously in the tutorial, he had delivered the decayed Master Sword to her, though she vanished thereafter. Link keeps hoping that she is managing somewhere. He believes that their distance means little compared to the depth of their devotion.
Link is given the mission to defeat Gloom-ridden monsters in four provinces.
Link doesn’t know where to go first, but he was told that investigating each area could bring him closer to Princess Zelda, and only that prompts him to leave. In the entire franchise of The Legend of Zelda, Link has always been dutiful as he is courageous. Tears of the Kingdom (2023) is no different. The technological advancements the franchise has observed—from switching from 2D to 3D perspectives and from having linear storytelling to open-world narratives—do not change Link’s identity. With each and every reincarnation of Link’s character, his courage is redefined but his capacity for love remains the same. This game’s Link, like all the others, is madly in love with his Zelda. No matter how silently he bears the burden of being the chosen one, any player would be able to see it plainly. Why would anyone readily take up the mantle of the hero, if not for love?
When Link arrives in each province, he reconnects with allies who help him slay the Gloom-ridden beasts. Civilians across the areas are saved once more. He bids farewell to his allies shortly after the provincial missions, eager to continue his search for the missing princess. Multiple civilians inform Link of Princess Zelda sightings, and an important provincial leader keeps nudging him to investigate the Dragon Tears geoglyphs.
He has to choose:
Link runs after the tear; he wants to see for himself, though he now knows who this dragon is. Upon activating the tear, Link sees Princess Zelda holding a secret stone, a rare magical artifact, that, when ingested, can turn her into a dragon.
She worries that she’ll lose herself in the process of stomaching the stone, but if some semblance of happiness could be achieved by Link in the future, then it is worth it.
Link cannot stop what has already happened.
Draconification’s first symptom was the darkening of the sky. The stone could be seen making its way down her throat as she clutched the Master Sword. A light from within the princess’s stomach burst through her before wrapping her in a luminescent dome. A dragon emerges from where she stood.
The Master Sword, embedded in her forehead, would take until Link’s present time to heal from its decay. This, she endures, so that the sword may reach Link in the future.
And when he claims the sword from her, his resolve is sharper. He will defeat Ganondorf. He will restore her old self. He will grant her dream, which was forged in the intimacies of their home in some village in Hyrule—they’d live that happy ending. And nothing—neither time nor distance—will prevent the lovers from the humble romance that waits after all that trouble. In how mundane life after the apocalypse will be, that is where the roots of their love will run deeper.
Until the next reincarnation cycle, that is. I suppose there is no end to that which matters.
Charlie Domingo is a recent graduate of the BFA Creative Writing program of the Ateneo de Manila University. Her works in creative nonfiction, by way of experimenting with form, explore the oddities of living with two selves: the woman who wishes to move forward from trauma and the escapist who finds comfort in projecting pain to women in media. Her essay “Where will the youth be?” has been published by The Philippine Daily Inquirer in 2021, and her poem “Crashing the Fourteenth” has been published in the first issue of Queerdirect PH.
Facebook: @charlize.recto
Instagram: @sulat_cdomingo
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