Ashtray by Jude Selvaggio

An exploration on the effects of abusive relationships and the impact of trauma on oneself.

First published in Pandan Weekly in July 2024. Content warning: abusive relationship, relationship violence.

​From the author:

In this piece, I aim to explore the complex and often painful dynamics of abusive relationships, relationship violence, fragmentation, self-esteem issues, and mental health struggles. Through fragmented imagery and disjointed lines, I evoke the sense of chaos and disarray that characterizes these experiences. The repetition of phrases such as “waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing” underscores the cyclical nature of abuse and the feeling of hopelessness that can accompany it.

Through the motif of broken glass and the inability to escape the abuser’s image, I explore themes of self-perception and the lasting impact of trauma on one’s sense of identity. Despite attempts to scrub away the past, the speaker is haunted by the presence of their abuser, unable to separate themselves from the pain they inflicted.

Overall, this piece seeks to shed light on the complexities of abusive relationships and the long-lasting effects they can have on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. Through poetic imagery and raw emotion, I aim to provoke reflection and empathy for those who have experienced such trauma.

Everywhere          I                     look
is a 
          spitting image
of the 
                furrow in your brow
         and the 
bow of your lip
as it       begins to quake    in
 red              hot             vermillion
as rivers flow 
        through the 
                    muddy banks 
all I can do is 
sit 
     and 
stare
waiting and 
             waiting and 
                           waiting
	    for nothing
because 
	                   nothing will change
and it was worth 
	                    nothing at all
everything 
reminds me 
of 
 your summer days
and		 winter nights
	cold, 
		alone, 
			but never ending



I found peace where your fists fell 




and I found 
love 
      in your 
words 
as they left 
a                 trail               of           roses 
     across             fields           of            snow
as they bore holes 
into 
      what 
was 
       once 
amber
         and is now 
ash.
                 I can’t see me 
 without 
                       seeing 
you
no 
matter
how 
hard 
                                 I scrub 
            the image 
on 
        broken, 
                     bloody 
        glass
all I can see
		
                    all I will ever see
is you.

Jude Selvaggio is a transgender student in the Philippines. He enjoys writing poetry about his life experiences, his passions, his country, and intergenerational issues. He loves his culture, art, and cultural art.

Facebook: @katrina.selvaggio Instagram: @judeselvaggio

If you’d like to send Jude a tip, you can do so via PayPal.

Thank you for reading!

Pandan Weekly is a bi-annual zine and weekly email series produced by SEA Lit Circle, a community of writers and readers from Southeast Asia and the diaspora. At SEA Lit Circle, we inspire each other to write fresh, compelling work that’s true to ourselves, and we encourage each other to read and be more open to new works, stories, and perspectives within and beyond the region.

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